Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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