Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
