I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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