I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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