saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
