Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
