I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize