Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
