Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
