I can tuck mytits in my pants
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
