I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
