Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish i was in the wii world.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
