is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
