I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
