Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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