Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
