Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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