I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize