and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This house was built for laser tag.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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