Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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