Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
