Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
