Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
