Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
