It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
