My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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