She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
