omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
