Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
