Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
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