Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
