I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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