The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
