Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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