It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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