she woke up with a sticky ear
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize