How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
