new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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