Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
