I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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