She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
