im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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