Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
