he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
