i need an iv and a liver transplant
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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