he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
