This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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