We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
