so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
