I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
