The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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