Got a toothbrush?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
