There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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