I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
