wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
