he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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