I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
