she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
