The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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