I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
