Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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