I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
