im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize
