I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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