I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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