Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
