i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
time to smoke my breakfast
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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