that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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