I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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