the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
