i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
